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emanuel- the willing |
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the only adult really there for me right now is my dad, and its only because he was liek me as a kid. he lied to his parents about everything and as soon as he got his job as a promoter and started to hang otu with motley crue and the grateful dead and began dropping acid with jerry garcia, hes the only adult who gets me. i love my dad so much. theres nothing i can do, nothing i can say to explain the place im in right now, ive dug myself into a hole so deep its almost impossible to dig myself up and out. im a living contradiction to myself. anyone who sees me describes me as a car wreck in slow motion. i dont even know whats happening anymore. i want to OD into oblivion. thank you to everyone who was with me last night its the only thing that helped me get through last night without crying too hard. usually just before i fall asleep and when im really bored or sad i....lay down and think for a while until i fall into a semi hypnotic state of sub-conciousness, some call it daydreaming, some call it just fucking spacing out. but i feel like im not here and it doesnt matter because im sick of putting myself in self destructive situations and having to deal with the consequences. i noticed that every single day its basically sitcom happenings. some call it thinking but when im thinking in this particular state of mind i forget to think and it stricly becomes observatory. i notice think very sensitivly like if i focus really hard i can see small transparent blotches of debris on the outter shell of my eyes. (or the conjunctiva) and i rub my eyes hard then i see tiny spheres of sparkling light which only stay for a second. until i close my eyes again. yesterday night i sat on my bed from 12 until 4 AM and i saw my life play out before me. EVERYTHING. my earliest memories of my dogs puppies, movng and feeling lonley...seeing Spice Girls for the first time, having to move again, feeling lonley again..playing with alligator in florida. driving down alligator alley and throwing hot dogs at the alligators with my best friend emily, playing in the field and playing hockey with all the neighborhood boys, remember when i thought this could never exist. thoose days where me and my best friend would sit on her kitchen table stuffing our faces with cookie chips and whip cream, making up weird ass voices and languages turning everything into an inside joke of some kind staying up till 3 in the morning prank calling people and and sharing makeup tips with eachother, wed lay in bed for hours talking about our worrys and what could fix them and feared the day wed lose contact and strived for someone to fufill our every insecurity, to feel the love from a different feeling. "the" feeling. the one we only imagined, the one out of reach and so far from our reality. the reality of being just a dreamer or a thinker, well i never really knew. i look at myself now and then i think back to all the innoscense i carried throughout the process of theese stages almost similar to the stages of a cacoon turning into a butterfly every couple days i looked forward to laying under the moon lit sky and what seemed like falling into or meshing with the stars, and the best part is that i wasent alone, or maybe that i was just with this one particular person whos pressence lit up my heart, whos goodness and smile made me so warm, whos arms made me feel like i was in the arms of that one thing i got to know so quickly who seemed to have been missing for a lifetime, whos laugh had the single power of removing me from this place for one second and never failing to come back down
i remeber feeling happy..that feeling had strayed so far away from me until recently when someone came into my life and made me want to be a better person. then this...but i actually dont feel sad, just numb. im like a lobotomized zombie who just isnt affected..until i start crying and i hyperventalate. then as the movie in my head kept on playing until the past 4 days and i look at myself and see an unfimiliar face...i see a smile, i see glittery eyes. i see my friends..i see HAPPINESS. then last night played out...an amazing night with the most amazing people. i can never thank you and let you all know how much last night really does mean to me, im content with the fact that ill be playing that day/night over and over in my head while i sit there. in fact last night seemed surreal to me..as if i wasnt even there. it was just some fantasy deam of mine i THINK happened. wishful thinking? hmm...maybe. but then when i hear these kind of things - "You're so amazing, I should tell you.... before I met you it'd been two years since I'd liked anyone. I'm so glad I met you."
that really reminds me that last night WAS real...i WAS there, everything i wanted to happen really DID happen. then i opened my eyes to realize im sitting in my room shaking purfusley, and not just because its cold because cuddeled into my strawberry shortcake blanket...but im afraid. im afraid of what might be coming to me, im afraid of my future, im afriad of my family, im afraid to leave my room....but most of all im afraid to look in the mirror.
its been a long day living with this
its been a long time since I felt so sick
i took a long walk straight back home
i couldve walked back to San Francisco
i used to long for time alone
i used to long for a place of my own
now im losing faith in everything
im lost, so lost, i'm lost at sea, you'll see
i used to long for broken bones
i used to long for a casket to call my own
i never had a problem facing fear
but im done, over and out my dear and
Oh mercy me
god bless catastrophe
theres no way in hell
we'll ever live to see through this so
ill drive myself insane tonight
its not that far away and I just
filled up my tank earlier today
Well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all
I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling
And now the red ones make me fly
And the blue ones help me fall
And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets
That's okay!
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Scream "Let me out!"
Pray tomorrow takes me higher....
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