cheap sex and codiene

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 09:01:54 GMT

i have absolutley nothing to say right now...maybe tomorrow ill post all the pictures from hawaii and an actual entry. if u really read every single lyric of this song, it identifies exactly with the trouble i got sucked into and the whirlpool i was unable to succesfully get out of.

is it worth it can you even hear me
standing with your spotlight on me
not enough to feed the hungry
i'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
in this sea of lonely
the taste of ink is getting old
it's four o' clock in the fucking morning
each day gets more and more like the last day
still i can see it coming
while i'm standing in the river drowning
this could be my chance to break out
this could be my chance to say goodbye
at last it's finally over
couldn't take this town much longer
being half dead wasn't what i planned to be
now i'm ready to be free

so here i am it's in my hands
and i'll savor every moment of this
so here i am alive at last
and i'll savor every moment of this

and won't you think i'm pretty
when i'm standing top the bright lit city
and i'll take your hand and pick you up
and keep you there so you can see
as long as you're alive and care
i promise i will take you there
we'll drink and dance the night away
we'll drink and dance the night away<333

savor every moment of this

FOR ANYONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME.....

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 04:45:31 GMT

the only adult really there for me right now is my dad, and its only because he was liek me as a kid. he lied to his parents about everything and as soon as he got his job as a promoter and started to hang otu with motley crue and the grateful dead and began dropping acid with jerry garcia, hes the only adult who gets me. i love my dad so much. theres nothing i can do, nothing i can say to explain the place im in right now, ive dug myself into a hole so deep its almost impossible to dig myself up and out. im a living contradiction to myself. anyone who sees me describes me as a car wreck in slow motion. i dont even know whats happening anymore. i want to OD into oblivion. thank you to everyone who was with me last night its the only thing that helped me get through last night without crying too hard. usually just before i fall asleep and when im really bored or sad i....lay down and think for a while until i fall into a semi hypnotic state of sub-conciousness, some call it daydreaming, some call it just fucking spacing out. but i feel like im not here and it doesnt matter because im sick of putting myself in self destructive situations and having to deal with the consequences. i noticed that every single day its basically sitcom happenings. some call it thinking but when im thinking in this particular state of mind i forget to think and it stricly becomes observatory. i notice think very sensitivly like if i focus really hard i can see small transparent blotches of debris on the outter shell of my eyes. (or the conjunctiva) and i rub my eyes hard then i see tiny spheres of sparkling light which only stay for a second. until i close my eyes again. yesterday night i sat on my bed from 12 until 4 AM and i saw my life play out before me. EVERYTHING. my earliest memories of my dogs puppies, movng and feeling lonley...seeing Spice Girls for the first time, having to move again, feeling lonley again..playing with alligator in florida. driving down alligator alley and throwing hot dogs at the alligators with my best friend emily, playing in the field and playing hockey with all the neighborhood boys, remember when i thought this could never exist. thoose days where me and my best friend would sit on her kitchen table stuffing our faces with cookie chips and whip cream, making up weird ass voices and languages turning everything into an inside joke of some kind staying up till 3 in the morning prank calling people and and sharing makeup tips with eachother, wed lay in bed for hours talking about our worrys and what could fix them and feared the day wed lose contact and strived for someone to fufill our every insecurity, to feel the love from a different feeling. "the" feeling. the one we only imagined, the one out of reach and so far from our reality. the reality of being just a dreamer or a thinker, well i never really knew. i look at myself now and then i think back to all the innoscense i carried throughout the process of theese stages almost similar to the stages of a cacoon turning into a butterfly every couple days i looked forward to laying under the moon lit sky and what seemed like falling into or meshing with the stars, and the best part is that i wasent alone, or maybe that i was just with this one particular person whos pressence lit up my heart, whos goodness and smile made me so warm, whos arms made me feel like i was in the arms of that one thing i got to know so quickly who seemed to have been missing for a lifetime, whos laugh had the single power of removing me from this place for one second and never failing to come back down
i remeber feeling happy..that feeling had strayed so far away from me until recently when someone came into my life and made me want to be a better person. then this...but i actually dont feel sad, just numb. im like a lobotomized zombie who just isnt affected..until i start crying and i hyperventalate. then as the movie in my head kept on playing until the past 4 days and i look at myself and see an unfimiliar face...i see a smile, i see glittery eyes. i see my friends..i see HAPPINESS. then last night played out...an amazing night with the most amazing people. i can never thank you and let you all know how much last night really does mean to me, im content with the fact that ill be playing that day/night over and over in my head while i sit there. in fact last night seemed surreal to me..as if i wasnt even there. it was just some fantasy deam of mine i THINK happened. wishful thinking? hmm...maybe. but then when i hear these kind of things - "You're so amazing, I should tell you.... before I met you it'd been two years since I'd liked anyone. I'm so glad I met you."
that really reminds me that last night WAS real...i WAS there, everything i wanted to happen really DID happen. then i opened my eyes to realize im sitting in my room shaking purfusley, and not just because its cold because cuddeled into my strawberry shortcake blanket...but im afraid. im afraid of what might be coming to me, im afraid of my future, im afriad of my family, im afraid to leave my room....but most of all im afraid to look in the mirror.

its been a long day living with this
its been a long time since I felt so sick
i took a long walk straight back home
i couldve walked back to San Francisco
i used to long for time alone
i used to long for a place of my own
now im losing faith in everything
im lost, so lost, i'm lost at sea, you'll see
i used to long for broken bones
i used to long for a casket to call my own
i never had a problem facing fear
but im done, over and out my dear and
Oh mercy me
god bless catastrophe
theres no way in hell
we'll ever live to see through this so
ill drive myself insane tonight
its not that far away and I just
filled up my tank earlier today

Well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all
I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling
And now the red ones make me fly
And the blue ones help me fall
And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts

Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets
That's okay!
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Scream "Let me out!"
Pray tomorrow takes me higher....

</3

Sat, 13 Nov 2004 01:25:22 GMT

Blood for Blood

What hardcore band are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 23:37:43 GMT

Britney Wavra...

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 08:55:34 GMT

.

mhmm..........well who would have thought? not that big of a suprise to anyone haha

trippy trippy trippy

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 11:00:26 GMT

ok so i was like thinking about hannah all day and like man! i havent see her in a really fuckin long time i should give her ass a call later and make plans. then liek 5 minutes ago i was like taking these little test thingies and it wsa like what is your perfect date (i have insomnia so you can blame me children) and the result was hannahs lj i was liek wooaaah man this is waaay too trippy for even me bra! so yea me and hannah were meant to be haha see.........

random.....

Sun, 23 May 2004 07:45:08 GMT

ok i want everyone to just post a secret, a confession, something they've never told anyone, or just something funny...but post it anonymously

pennywise show was soo rad!

Fri, 21 May 2004 05:27:37 GMT

ok so wednesday after school i went drove over by the canyon club and i heard some band playing a pennywise song. i figured it was some random band playing "land of the free" so i was like whatever. i went inside and asked the lady if any good bands were playing there any time soon and she said that pennywise was playing that night so i walked past the other room and i saw pennywise rehearsing in there!! i saw fletcher and he waved to me! so i called up my dad and he pulled some string with eric and andy summers (pennywise's agent) called in three tickets to be on the V.I.P. guestlist for Pennywise. so i called up mckenna and she couldnt get a ride so i made a deal with a hott 16 year old to drive and pick up mckenna and take her back to the canyon club for a ticket and he agreed so we were all dandy. so for the first three opening acts mckenna and i didnt really do anything special besides go into the circle pit and i got my ankle sooo fxcked up..and there was this hott guy that was right behind me and he kept following me and mckenna....and we went crowdsurfing. hahah i told mckenna to tie her shoes tight cause theres always gonna be some fxucker who'll try to steal them. people were groping us as we were crowdsurfing so yea...then we met this really cool girl who worked there who is gonna try to get me a job there so then i can go see shows for free and shes 17 so she can drive me. um..yea we hung otu with her for a half an hour then we went back in. Pennywise finally came on and mckenna and i moshed again with my fxcked up ankle which made it all the more better aha. I touched Fletcher and Jimmy! the crowd was so insane i got up in front and i thought "wow if i fall i'll probably die ahaha thats fxcking rad man!" and just everyone took off they're shirt so sweaty bodies are rubbing all over you (wow so hott) and i got punched in the face and my mouth was all bloody. I got drenched with fosters beer and my hair smelled of clove cigarettes...i felt really dirty. i got a cigarette burned into my arm which really hurts right now. then i finally got a ride home so all and all it was a rad show. the only bad thing was that i couldnt walk this morning so i had to use the crutches at school today and everyone was giving me soo much smack like "omg what happened?" "look at those bruises on your arms" so yea good show...good day...good night...<33

weekend re-cap

Mon, 17 May 2004 02:59:05 GMT

weekend was pretty rad....but me and bres bad karma struck again today
on friday- could have gone to see the American Conflict and Ragtime Revolution but once again i couldnt find a ride so i went to the commons (which i hate) and couldnt take anymore so i left at 8:30 and went over to bres house and that night we thought we were gonna go and meet some people so we got all ready and then it turns out we coulodnt leave her nighborhood because bre was grounded so we just talked on the phone with jesse chris and taylor and went and stole our sign, oh yea and we were dirrty dancing all over her house
Saturday- rad day, bre woke me up at 7:00 in the morning and i was all delerious and what not (im really not a morning person lol) and we get a ride to her saturday and i saw trevor who i really didnt want to see because im trying to get over him, then i was gonna go over to chris' hosue so i could sleep in his bad (ooh laa la) haha so bre pushed me off like a 10ft. wall and i almost broke my leg but then i couldnt find chris' house so i just slept in someones sidewalk until the sprinklers went on and gardeners were laughing at me so i walked to aew and met taylors mom shes really nice....and mrs. beard almost called the cops on me because i said i didnt have a home or any parents and i wouldnt get off school grounds. then i went home for an hour and slept then i met bre back at aew and yea we got a ride from taylors mom and i had to sit on bres lap and then we saw a cop so i had to get down and i was right next to bres uh.... hott spot and i guess everyone was so jealous of me wow thats a first lol. we had a bunch of fun makign messages for my cell phone. later that night bre and I walked to subway and the mexican who was hitting on me last time askign for my name, number, how odl i was, and if i had a bf wa there and we didnt have enough money to pay for food so the mexican dude bought us our dinner but we still gave him the $5 even though it cost $10 but luckily bre took back the $5 when she i mean he wasnt looking then we ran naked all the way home! ahaha that was fun. then we called jesse and left him a funny message
Sunday- woke up and looked at my cell phone i had 9 missed calls and we checked bres caller id and i noticed a number of whose i didnt know so i called and tlaked to an older dude and i was like all stoned and what not so i was all "who are ur kidses names?" he was liek "wow u must really be passing language arts" and we found it it was Kevin Burstien who called so i checked my messages on my cell phone and it was jesse calling back yea but my cell was on viberate so we didnt hear it so yea karma sucks
man soup is good...jesse's hott...bres a cunt...and i want jesse...ok im gonna get over him

Wed, 12 May 2004 05:48:20 GMT

im emo...ur emo....let's die.